Liz, several months ago you posted something I sent to you when I was trying to buy a gun when I was suicidal.

I know if I had been able to purchase one, I too wouldn't be here now.

The funny thing is that recently I had a chance to get one, free from a friend of a friend who passed away. I thanked her for thinking of me and told her I would take anything of the deceased to remember her by but not the gun.

I still don't know what my purpose in life is. .I suspect it has something to do with my pen, but I don't know. What I do know is I am going to have a lot of fun trying to figure it out because for the first time in many years I really do believe that life is good, despite the occasional bouts of depression. There is a lot of wonder and beauty and kindness in the world and you are one of the wonderful things I am grateful for.

My personal feelings closely echo those of Agent99 and missdoobs. Having struggled with the depression side of being Bipolar for about 37 years, I have found I am treatment-resistant to meds. I had my brain damaged by ECT. My coping skills have greatly improved in dealing with the depression but sometimes it is hard to WANT to keep going when you know it's going to hit again ant might be worse or longer lasting than you can bear. It can wear a person down.

I'm a total supporter of a persons right to choose when and how they are going to depart this life (as long as their chosen method does not cause physical harm to anyone else).

And if those left behind can't accept that this might actually mean I would finally be at peace from all this misery and pain....well, that's an issue of their own. Why would they prefer that I be so unhappy and in so much inner turmoil?

nice.

Hi Liz, This discussion concerning firearms and depression reminded me of a story Kirk Douglas told. I believe he had various medical issues (including severe depression) and was ready to end it with a gun. But when he put the gun in his mouth he got a little clumsy with it and clunked his teeth in a most unpleasureable manner. At this point, he loudly and verbally said "Ow!!" and started laughing to himself. He put the gun away and is stilll alive today. I'm sure many of us could relate stories like this. Call it luck, divine intervention, or just a fleeting moment of clarity, we stopped.
I'm not sure exactly what my point is but this focus on guns to me is not really the issue. The guy who wrote the editorial is probably just trying to be BFF with the NRA. (I'd really like to see his statistics by the way. Not that I'm a statistics lover but I dont trust anybody throwing numbers around to prove a point. Especially someone I do not know.) Anyway, guns have generally not been part of my ideation. Eight years ago when I was still working as a CPA and fighting my untreated depression, my entire day consisted of trying to talk myself out of leaping from the third floor atrium I had to pass everytime I entered or left the building, everytime I needed a drink of water, etc. I'm a tall guy and the restraining metal fence was very short. I could look down and hear the devil siren calls urging me to jump (just like Mrs. Danvers in "Rebecca") "Go on, go on. It would be so easy. Don't be afraid." I'm so glad I resisted. Not that my life is so great now. But I'm living. I have hope on most days.

At some point, most of us have to sit ourselves down and have a little heart to heart. Do I really want to die? REALLY WANT to? Why? Life is such a gift. Why do I want to throw it away? To be honest, part of me wanted to die just to prove to my family how really fucked up I was. But then, ok I'm dead. Who cares whether I made my point or not?

I had to force myself to quit having these continous circular arguments with myself and in a moment of passing clarity, determine that I would fight it. I wouldn't beat myself up too bad if I slid back and started with my ideation again because on some level, its just a defense mechanism. My last resort. But I had to decide I didn't want to give up and that meant protecting myself when these ideas started flying around inside my head. That means not giving yourself easy access to a gun. That means staying away from the third floor atrium or finding a solution to that problem. Not driving a car when you've had recent ideas about turning into a telephone pole. Only we know what thoughts we are having and sometimes only we can do something to stop something bad from happening. Can suicide be prevented? I'm writing a note to someone who decided not to give up. I'm still here. Susan is here. Hi Susan. Yes, I believe it can be prevented. Death (you know, good old garden variety death) and taxes are still there. But today, life feels worth living. (New Mozart cd arrived this morning!! Clarinet quintet on original instruments!! Does it get any better than that?!). I pray that for all of you. Its important to me to be able to talk to people who might know what I'm talking about. Thanks and love, hugs and kisses and love love love. David ps. if you all would say a little prayer for my niece who was hospitalized this week with a still undetermined illness i would appreciate it.