I canceled all my Google alerts yesterday because I was constantly being inundated, and it was mostly by news that didn't really matter to me. But I kept the suicide Google alert because I have a morbid obsession with the subject, having attempted several times myself and dealing with ongoing suicidal ideation almost every day. I've learned that the ideation, in my case, doesn't signal danger; I just don't think about life in the same way other people do. I have to know I have a way out, and suicide is my way to have control.

Recently a friend of a friend committed suicide, and I was surprised to find myself sympathizing far more with the survivors rather than the person who killed himself. It was a case where the man and his wife suffered a great family tragedy and financial misfortune, and he killed himself and left his wife to handle the family tragedy alone. It really pissed me off. When someone commits suicide and it's in the headlines, we tend to focus on that person, not the people he's left behind. But in this case, knowing the people involved, I focused on the wife and her child and I just felt angry. How could he do that to her? I know it's irrational to think that way. He did the best he could, and he's not to blame. I just feel so heartbroken for his wife.

I felt a similar kind of anger when I read about Sonny Graham (far left in the photo), who committed suicide in the same way his organ donor did. In the mid-90s, Graham got a heart transplant after a younger man, Terry Cottle, shot himself and died. Graham eventually contacted Cottle's widow, Cheryl (next to Sonny), to thank the family for giving him the gift of life. They got to know each other, and in a romance-movie twist, fell in love and got married in 2004.

Can you imagine what Cheryl went through -- losing her husband to suicide? Then she meets the man who has her husband's heart, and four years aftery they get married, her second husband -- same heart, though -- shoots himself too. It's just awful. I was furious when I read the story. How could Sonny do that? He knew what this poor women went through. He knew he'd be putting her through it again. It got me so pissed off. But again, I suppose it's not right to feel that way. Sonny Graham must have been suffering horribly.

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