Those of us with mental illnesses have long ago accustomed ourselves to thinking differently than most others do. I feel this is especially true with melancholy, a sensation that is a constant friend to me. I recently rediscovered a song by the late Townes Van Zandt (who was also diagnosed with mental illness, and who endured barbaric insulin shock treatments) that describes my sadness beautifully. Here are excerpted lyrics from "The Highway Kind." These two stanzas really speak to the way I feel.

Time among the pine trees
It felt like breath of air
Usually I just walk these streets
And tell myself to care.
Sometimes I believe me
And sometimes I don’t hear.
Sometimes the shape I’m in
Won’t let me go.

Well, I don’t know too much for true
But my heart knows how to pound
My legs know how to love someone
My voice knows how to sound.
Shame that it’s not enough
Shame that it is a shame.
Follow the circle down
Where would you be?

Posted by liz at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

From Sally:

I don't know if I've posted this before. Once I made a a suicide gesture (that's what the therapists call it). I had left my ex husband, and was suffering from heartbreak, betrayal, fear, etc. I walked into the bathroom where my mother had left a big bottle of phenobarbital on the counter, looked at myself in the mirror and decided I didn't deserve to live through such misery and I took the pills. I then went back to my Dad's office, sat down and waited to die. After a few minutes I walked back in to the bath room, looked myself in the mirror and thought, in the grand scheme of things even if I live to be 100, my life will have been short, I don't deserve to die. And I called 911. I hadn't even taken enough pills to get my stomach pumped. But I was lucky that I tried suicide in a way that gave me a chance to change my mind. I'll never try it again, that was 22 years ago. I've lost several people I cared very much about to suicide, people who, using different methods from me, weren't able to turn back even if they changed their minds.

So I think it's important to discuss suicide. These days my thinking is along the lines of "suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem," but I really don't know. I think somehow reading real-life stories of suicide may change some minds while there's still time.

Posted by liz at 07:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

In response to Terry's thought that I perhaps cover suicide too much, Wendi writes:

Like most depressives, I face suicide everyday. I stare it down daily, and so far, everyday, I've won the battle. It's very real to me, just as much a part of my life as deciding what to wear everyday. When I read about other people's suicides, it's a chance for me to not only mourn that person's death with true compassion, but also to celebrate my own decision to live that day. I value compassionate observance, what I find here. I shrink from the sensationalism of the media coverage, which only serves to hold the person up as an aberration. It makes me feel like a freak, too. So, I value your reports of suicides, Liz. It's not too much. It's just enough of what I don't find elsewhere - understanding and real feeling. Sorry, Terry. I disagree with you completely. :)

The emphasis is mine because that's exactly what I feel, though before Wendi said it, I never realized that's how I felt.

Posted by liz at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Terry Boal, who wrote the below, is right -- "suicide" is one of my key words. Is he also right that I over-report it? I'd be curious to hear some thoughts on this.

One of your key words must be suicide. Tragic though they may be and close to home as who amongst us grappling with depression hasn't considered it, I think you are over reporting them. We have all lost friends and are aware when a public figure does themselves in, but the suicide rate even for those depressed is very small. So I think you should reconsider the gratuitous over reporting. There are other issues to deal with such as very often suicide is selfish and cowardly. You are gone but those who loved or cared about you are still around and wonder what there role they played or you may leave children and a partner behind. Liz I know it is an issue close to your heart as you have been on the verge. Most of us have been but most of us, like you don't do it.

Posted by liz at 08:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't know what to say, other than that I'm so very sad. People on the radio kept saying, "It wasn't really a surprise." Maybe not, but that doesn't make me feel better. I love the photo that accompanies the below Times article.

Benazir Bhutto, 54, Lived in Eye of Pakistan Storm

Posted by liz at 01:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

From Joe:

Sometimes I wonder - Where society too often fails to address the despair, the real life challenges and unmet needs of persons who later commit suicide, is it fair or reasonable to even consider that the answer is going to be found in a pill? Haven't we gone down this road so many times before? Promises made, promise broken that a new medication or a medication just around the corner will provide all the answers. Can there ever be a pill that warms us when we are cold, fosters meaningful relationships, promotes hope, substitutes for basic needs such as food, clothing and shelter or in itself makes life worth living?

Medications are tools but not all tools. It is the height of hubris when pills alone are considered the answer to all human needs. Those of us who cope daily with a mental illness know better. How many of us have ever thought, "My life would be worth living if I was taking .......?"

And to those who believe the answer is always a pill, I ask what life affirming aspect of your being could be measured in equivalent milligrams of medication?

U of U scientists seek genetic key in state with seventh highest suicide rate

"If you know a gene, then you have a very good hint about a biochemical pathway," he said, "and there may be medicines on the market to address that biochemical pathway."

Posted by liz at 05:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was so happy yesterday. I went to the movies (The Savages -- see it) and then went to Chinatown (Jade Harbor -- yum). I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's important to people to preserve or create traditions. There were so many Jewish people at the Ritz movie theater, it was like being in synagogue. I even saw people I grew up with. In the past six or so Christmases, I've been with families celebrating in true Christian commercial fashion, which is great, but not something I have a connection to personally. This year I didn't sit around a Christmas tree, I didn't open presents, I didn't spend time with family (my own or anyone else's). I just had a relaxing and fun day and evening, and it felt good to be free of obligation to a holiday that isn't my own. It felt really healthy and stress-free.

Posted by liz at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I just learned about the suicide of John Berg, who you've seen in countless TV shows like Law & Order, House, Monk, and many others. He was 58, and was found in his home in Van Nuys, California.

Actor John Berg committed suicide, coroner says

[Photo via IMDB.com]

Posted by liz at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece kind of summing up the whole brouhaha over offensive advertising (pictured). If you didn't hear about it before, you'll get the basic picture now.

Marketing Disorder

Posted by liz at 08:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I think I'm experiencing a little language barrier here, in that I don't completely understand ... English. How could they know what's happening this holiday season before the season is over?

U.S. Researchers: Suicide Rates Down By 40 Percent This Holiday Season

Posted by liz at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I know this is a hard time of year for some people. For Christians, it's all the Christmas stuff. For Jews, it's all the Chinese food. Either way, it can be stressful. The key thing is to try and find something to do, even if you feel isolated and alone. I looked around the Internet and found some good tips, which I modified. Having done so, I now forget where the hell I got them, and therefore can't cite the source, which is bad. So forgive me, but maybe they'll resonate with you a little bit for this weekend before Christmas.

The trigger points of holiday stress and depression Relationships. Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time. But tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can. On the other hand, if you're facing the holidays without a loved one, you may find yourself especially lonely or sad.

Finances. Like your relationships, your financial situation can cause stress at any time of the year. But financial issues during the holidays can put you in a financial spiral that leaves you with depression symptoms such as hopelessness, sadness and helplessness. Overspending or not having enough money can be depressing.

Physical demands. The strain of attending holiday events can wipe you out. Feeling exhausted increases your stress, creating a vicious cycle. High demands, stress, lack of exercise, and overindulgence in food and drink — all are ingredients for holiday illness.

Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression
1. Acknowledge your feelings. Realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief at this time of year. It's OK now and then to take time just to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

2. Seek support. If you feel isolated or down, seek out peer support, friends, or community, religious or social services. They can offer support and companionship. Consider volunteering at a community or religious function. Getting involved and helping others can lift your spirits and broaden your friendships. You don't have to go it alone.

3. Set differences aside. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all your expectations. Practice forgiveness. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. With stress and activity levels high, be understanding if the people around you get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.

4. Stick to a budget. Before you go shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend on gifts and other items. Then be sure to stick to your budget. If you don't, you could feel anxious and tense for months afterward as you struggle to pay the bills.

5. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Steal away to a quiet place, even if it's to the bathroom for a few moments of solitude. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

6. Rethink resolutions. Resolutions can set you up for failure if they're unrealistic. Don't resolve to change your whole life to make up for past excess. Instead, try to return to basic, healthy lifestyle routines. Set smaller, more specific goals with a reasonable time frame. Choose only those resolutions that help you feel valuable and that provide more than only fleeting moments of happiness.

7. Forget about perfection. Holiday TV specials are filled with happy endings. But in real life, people don't usually resolve problems within an hour or two. Something always comes up. Accept imperfections in yourself and in others.

If anyone knows where I got this, by all means let me know.

Posted by liz at 05:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A company in Ottowa, Canada, fired an employee because he had bipolar disorder. From CBC News:

Stephen Bird, who represents ADGA Group Consulting Inc., said the company discussed employee Paul Lane's condition with him after he revealed that he had bipolar disorder and researched the condition on the internet before making the decision to dismiss him.

Emphasis mine, because, like, are you kidding? I wonder which reliable site they used to glean information: Perez Hilton or Wikipedia? Jesus.

Ottawa firm right to dismiss employee with bipolar disorder: lawyer

Posted by liz at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

The good news or the bad news?

I always want the bad news first -- get it out of the way, and then follow up with something more palatable. So here it is: People with schizophrenia have an elevated risk of colon cancer.

The good news? They have a lower risk of respiratory cancer.

Cancer Risk Varies in Patients with Schizophrenia

Posted by liz at 04:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Though the headline of this article is "My career caused depression," I'm not quite sure what he means when he says, "It took me two days to get psyched." Two days seems okay to me. It took me about 10 years. Full text:

Actor Patrick Dempsey has said he experienced bouts of depression in his younger years over his acting career.

The World Entertainment News Network reports that the 'Grey's Anatomy' star thought he was destined for Hollywood stardom after his initial success in the 1987 comedy 'Can't Buy Me Love'.

But Dempsey found it difficult to remain upbeat when he lost out on other starring roles.

The actor's marriage to his former manager Rocky Parker, a woman 26 years his senior, ended and a period of severe depression followed.

He said: "It was a very difficult time. I was insecure. I felt I was no good. It took me two days to get psyched and it was very hard to stay positive. There were years when I wasn't working and people didn't care about me."

Dempsey and Parker divorced in 1994; he has since remarried and has three children with make-up artist Jill Fink.

The actor has now experienced worldwide fame thanks to the hit medical drama series 'Grey's Anatomy'.

Posted by liz at 08:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

There are going to be a lot of new developments on the this site in the next few weeks, and starting Feb. 1st, I think the site will be significantly changed. That's all I can say right now (so tantalizing, right?), but I wanted to put that bug in your ear, as it were. (Ick.)

As for mental health news, here's something uplifting: A former golf pro has baffled health services in Wales after jumping off a bridge 50 times trying to commit suicide. What can be done for her?

Suicide-bid woman perplexes judge

Posted by liz at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Stars: they're just like us! From People.com:

There have been times, though, when [Alicia Keys'] tendency to hold back was emotionally draining – when she battled depression.

"I was feeling so sad all the time, and I couldn't shake it," she says. "I started burying my feelings, and it got to a point where I couldn't even tell my family or my friends, 'I'm twisted,' or 'I'm exhausted,' or 'I'm so angry.' ... I became a master of putting up the wall so that I was unreadable."

Keys recently told Uptown Magazine that she "had to learn to let go" to overcome her depression.

I love Alicia. I hope she's feeling better!

Posted by liz at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ustedes no podrian creer los problemas que tengo con el World Wide Web. Primero, mi connecion de Internet ya no funciona -- ni en mi casa, ni en Starbucks, ni en mis suenos. Estoy harta. Tal vez necesito una new Airport card, pero no se por cierto. Because, really, how the hell do I know what I need to make the goddamn Internet work? Quiero llorar, pero ya no tengo lagrimas. The bottom linea: I have all of 20 minutes each dia to post a blog entry, check my email on both accounts, communicate with the outside world, do research for my columns, and do everything else a persona quiere hacer para asegurar que su vida sea contenta.

Y ahora una persona quiere usar the computer I'm on right now -- which is shared by a bazillion staff members -- asi que no puedo continuar escribir this post.

Pero, por favor, sepan ustedes que les amo todos y I want to resolve this computer strife muy rapido. Mientras tanto, hang in there with me. Please?

Posted by liz at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Kent comes through with an Onion story that's just objectively funny:

Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies

Posted by liz at 08:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Thanks to Joe for always being on the lookout. About the first article, he writes:

Where the mental health systems speak so often of transparency, the walls of this institution are real in all respects. If sunlight is the best disinfectant, this is clearly one place where the sun doesn't shine.

"But what makes this matter more egregious is that Delaware Psychiatric Center is currently under investigation by three agencies or special panels. There are no top secrets here."

Governor should get Supreme Court opinion on secrecy of state files

And the second:

Here a suicide occurred at a New Jersey State psychiatric hospital. Once again the words and the deeds did not intersect with tragic consequences.

N.J.S.A. 30:4-27.1(c), "It is the policy of this State that persons in the public mental health system receive inpatient treatment and rehabilitation services in accordance with the highest professional
standards and which will enable those hospitalized persons to return to their community as soon as it is clinically appropriate."

Ancora CEO out after patient suicide

And my comment: He was reassigned? What is this, the old days of the Catholic Church? He shouldn't be moved to another parish. He should be fired -- end of story.

Posted by liz at 08:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Isn't that a nice way to start your day? But seriously, the Boston Globe is doing a three-part series on prison suicide that's really compelling. You can read parts I and II today. Here's the link.

If that's not quite what you had in mind for this morning, hop on over for a Cute Fix at Disapproving Rabbits, a site that's so funny to me, I bought the book.

As for the rest of the day, I'll be in training and won't have access to a computer. But any comments or articles you leave on the site will be posted this evening.

Posted by liz at 08:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I know it was over-the-top, but I loved this little hamster so much.

Posted by liz at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Philip Dawdy is pissed off. Read the post below. It goes beyond my understanding.

Making The New Media: Google Punishes Blog For Obeying Web 2.0 Ideals

Posted by liz at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's some new info from the U.S. News and World Report's website:

A U.S. team has spotted nine genetic markers that can increase a person's risk for schizophrenia.

They've also found evidence that the condition can be inherited in what geneticists call a "recessive" manner -- inherited from both parents.

"If a person inherits identical copies of these markers from each parent, his or her risk for schizophrenia increases substantially," lead author Todd Lencz, director of research at the Zucker Hillside Hospital campus of the Feinstein Institute for Medical Research in Glen Oaks, N.Y., explained in a prepared statement.

The study was published this week in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Genes Yield More Clues to Schizophrenia

Posted by liz at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Kent sent this in to cheer us up:

You'll get the title of this post if you watch the whole thing

Posted by liz at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Unhappy? Self-Critical? Maybe You’re Just a Perfectionist

By Mr. Mental Health himself, Benedict Carey

Posted by liz at 02:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This man was so desperate, he used his own fingernail to try to kill himself. From the LA Times:

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA -- Despite sweeping measures to prevent suicides among the 305 prisoners here, a detainee slashed his throat with a sharpened fingernail recently and might have bled to death if guards hadn't rushed to his aid, officers disclosed here Tuesday.

The apparent suicide attempt last month in a shower at maximum-security Camp 6 was one of dozens known to have occurred since prisoners were first brought to the military prison nearly six years ago.

After four suicides by hanging, three last year and one in May, bed linens are collected each morning to keep detainees from making ligatures. Anyone suspected of trying to hurt himself is outfitted in a green quilted "suicide smock" that attaches by Velcro and cannot be shredded.

What are they going to do now? Cut everyone's fingernails?

Guantanamo suicide attempt confirmed

Posted by liz at 08:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here is the full text of Dear Harriette from the New York Daily News:

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is bipolar. Two years ago, he told me he was going into a depression and not to contact him until he contacted me. I waited a year and a half for him. All that time, I sent him cards and e-mails saying we were still friends.

Camille, Oakland, Calif.

Dear Camille: Bipolar disorder is not something you have one day and not the next. It is a health condition that can plague your friend for life. You may never have the same relationship as before, but that doesn't mean you have to write him off. If possible, let him know you care about him and miss his friendship. Read up on bipolar disease to understand what he may be going through.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm 13 and in a deep depression. I have felt this way for months and haven't admitted it before. I have feelings of hate toward myself. I have trouble sleeping. I eat about one meal a day. I have the overwhelming feeling of being alone. I feel like an empty shell of myself.

Brenda, Queens

Dear Brenda: You are wise for recognizing your emotional state. Recognition is usually the first step toward a cure. Many teens have emotional difficulties at this age. You do need professional help. I'm sorry your mother isn't taking you seriously, but you need to find someone else who can help. Go to the counselor or psychologist at your school, who should be able to give you advice or refer you to someone who can. Your family doctor is another resource, or even a trusted family member. The clergy at your church or place of worship should be able to help, too. Reach out to one of them NOW. Then ask that person to talk to your mother. She will take you seriously once she really understands.

Posted by liz at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

In response to the below questions to advice guru Harriette Cole, HS writes with his customary comic flair that always makes me laugh out loud:

HOPEFULLY she answered letter one by advising the first writer to continue the relationship with a bit of wariness and telling the second writer to contact a counselor at school and getting an immediate professional evaluation.

Alternatively though she could have said, "I'm sorry, I would love to answer but my hair has a huge amount of electricity pulsing through it."

Posted by liz at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Below are two questions written to Harriette Cole (pictured enormously, above), the advice columnist for the New York Daily News. Later today I'll post the answers she gave. If anyone wants to try their hand at giving an answer in the meantime, I'll post your answer first. I'll bet you can do better than Harriette did.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is bipolar. Two years ago, he told me he was going into a depression and not to contact him until he contacted me. I waited a year and a half for him. All that time, I sent him cards and e-mails saying we were still friends.

Out of the blue, he contacted me six months ago. He is on a newly introduced medication. He says it feels better than what he took before. He is nothing like the man I used to adore. I don't know if this has to do with his being bipolar or if he's just a bad friend now. I resent that I waited a year and a half, only for him to become this selfish, self-centered person. Do you think this new medication has cured him, and his true personality is a selfish one? Alternatively, do you just think he is a bad friend?

Camille, Oakland, Calif.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm 13 and in a deep depression. I have felt this way for months and haven't admitted it before. I have feelings of hate toward myself. I have trouble sleeping. I eat about one meal a day. I have the overwhelming feeling of being alone. I feel like an empty shell of myself.

I need professional help, but my mother won't listen. She writes it off as me being "dramatic." She tells me I'm a normal 13-year-old and tries to make jokes about it, by pretending to cry and saying, "Boo-hoo." I need her to see that my problem is serious and need to see someone.

Brenda, Queens

Posted by liz at 08:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Every now and then I see an article that I could swear I've seen before. Then I realize it's just that we are constantly bombarded with new ideas for "cures" for mental illness, which is okay, I suppose, but perhaps is misleading. While research is important, the reality is that many people can live fulfilling lives in absence of a total cure, in the same way I do, by being in recovery.

That being said, can fish oil be a preventive? Researchers in Australia believe so.

Fish oil may decrease risk of developing schizophrenia: research

Posted by liz at 02:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)