Ophelia's Scrapbook: What It's Like to Be Dead
I took this photo of what I might look like should I ever take my own life. I know it's a terrible thing to think about, but let's be honest, here: People who suffer with mental illness think about this shit. A lot. Because you always have it in the back of your mind: If it gets too horrible, I have a way out. No one can tell me I have to go through the pain. I'm choosing, every day, to stick it out. And when I choose not to, I'll call it quits.
I don't think these are suicidal thoughts, precisely. I think they're designed to give us an illusion of control, to quash the fears and the nagging voice that says, "What if it happens again? How can I survive it?"
[And on a lighter note—and anything would be lighter at this point—I want to acknowledge the other sad truth of this image: I have a double chin. I assure you it's just the way I was being all dead-like that caused it. It's not normally there, at least in my live state.]
Comments
i get it. 100%.
Posted by: meg | August 31, 2006 07:42 PM
"If it gets too horrible, I have a way out"
I can't tell you how many times I've had that same thought. Not that I'd ever act on it. Or would I?
Anyway, what I'm curious to know is how you took this picture. Did you just hold the camera at an arm's length and click away or did you use a timer of sorts?
Posted by: Masale.Wallah | September 1, 2006 01:02 AM
I put the camera on a flat surface and then leaned over it, hence the double chin. I wanted it to look like I was floating face-down in water.
Posted by: Li | September 1, 2006 02:17 PM
Very Ophelia.
And so true - "I can always decided that's enough". Suicidal ideation...(I can't help but sing those two words tot he tune of the chorus of the battle hymn of the republic. Pissed off the other inpatients at group therapy a LOT. *sigh*)
Posted by: Caitlin O'Connor | September 2, 2006 04:31 AM
Liz, thank you for sharing this. I muse the same. If a time came when my OCD and depression were so bad, my options so unsatisfactory, and the future so grim, I might well take my own life. While some might say, "My Lord, this guy is planning to commit suicide, now, today!", this is simply not the case. For me there is some comfort in knowing that if the OCD and depression become unendurable, I still have an option that is under my control. In the interim, I plug along hoping for a better path towards life since the alternative is a path cut short.
Posted by: Joe | September 4, 2006 03:46 PM
I dunno .... as photos of potential suicides go, yours are quite fetching, the mussed-hair variation being only slightly less so than the "About" pic.
When did you start writing this blog, and is it entirely on mental health and related matters? (And can one assume that the Philadelphia Weekly gig is a paying one, unlike the blog, enough at least to keep you in the medications of choice?
Oops .... rude ... I hardly know you, and if I persist this way, I obviously won't. But I am impressed by the amount of energy (and humor of whatever hue) that you put into it.
FYI, I haven't been registered on/for the blog; there's no need to post this message (in fact, I'd prefer you didn't); and, yes Virginia, I do have an affective disorder -- treated and, to some degree, under control. More on that another time peut-etre. (sorry, no accents here that I can see)
Meantime, it's been really interesting reading you. (I got here through a Google search on Wayne Fenton. Sad indeed.)
With best wishes,
Joel Simons
New York
Posted by: Joel Simons | September 10, 2006 06:19 PM