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April 29, 2006

Saturday

pop tarts.jpgI'm sitting on my porch swing right now, having just picked a used hair scrunchie from the trash across the street. (It was closer than going upstairs to my apartment. That's true laziness: I'd rather pick trash than climb stairs.) Today I went to a few different garage sales, but they sound so much more alluring on Craigslist. "Everything must go! Tons of cool stuff!" Then you get there and realize the reason everything hasn't gone already. No one wants those old Lionel Richie CDs, okay? I've owned that same wooden dishrack from Ikea five times already. I'm not buying yours.

Speaking of Ikea, my mother, an inveterate shopper and decorator, had never been there. A shanda, as we say in Yiddish. I felt it was time, so I called her up and we took the trip. Her mouth was hanging open the whole time, but she didn't really like the relentlessness of the aesthetic.

Now I'm going to eat some more Pop Tarts. When I'm by myself I do nothing but binge on crap food. And I love it. I mean, have you had the new Strawberry Cream variety? You don't know happiness till you've tasted that gooey pink crud on your tongue.

April 28, 2006

This weekend

I'm all by myself this weekend, and the apartment yawns cavernously. (How's that for a terrible sentence?) Thus, I will blog a little, despite the fact that I know less people read on the weekends; my readership drops by 25 percent on Saturday and Sunday. Why is that? I think you're all just using me to pass the workday, and then, come the weekend, you're like, "Screw Spikol. I have garage sales to attend."

But if you're around this weekend, I'll B there 4 U, as Prince would say.

Truly bizarre development

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Okay, Bollywood star Navin Nischol (pictured) and his brother have been arrested for Navin's wife's suicide. I've been working on the mental health beat for many years now, and I've never heard of such a thing.

The arrest was prompted by Navin's wife's diary. One damning entry read: "I, Geetanjali Navin Nischol, am committing suicide because Shri Navinji is an alcoholic and is beyond reform. Because of his alcoholism, I am mentally tortured by him and he is being instigated by Praveen Nischol to torture me and I hold Praveen responsible for all this torture to me."

Needless to say, my take on this is that it's preposterous to hold someone else responsible for a suicide—no matter how much he drank. It's dangerous to suggest otherwise because it could make suicide survivors feel more culpable, as if they don't already feel guilty enough. Bollywood fans, stand strong behind your man. Even if he is a schmuck.

Navin Nischol arrested for wife's suicide [Daily News and Analysis]

A shot in the dark

Last night Philadelphia police killed two men.

One man had an arrest warrant out on him. Cops came to find him at his West Philadelphia home, and when he saw them, he ran. They shot him while he was running away from them. He was unarmed.

The other incident screams "suicide by cop," though I can't get confirmation of that. Restaurant owner Sam Ryan, 36, was sitting on his front stoop, his house burning behind him. He was holding a gun. When cops approached him, he pointed the gun at him and killed him. There's a suggestion that he was distraught because his longstanding neighborhood chicken-wing joint had gone out of business.

I want to find out more about this case, so I'll be leaving early. If anyone in Philly is reading this, and knows Ryan or even ate at his shop and wants to reminisce, please get in touch. I'd like to give him a fitting tribute.

Bollywood drama

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As I wrote before, veteran actor Navin Nischols' wife Geetanjali (pictured) committed suicide some weeks ago. Now Navin is being questioned in her death; apparently, the police are considering charging him with "abetment to suicide." She left a note blaming Navin and his brother for her unhappiness. I guess police are taking that quite seriously.

Navin Nischol interrogated over wife's suicide [The Hindu]

In Memoriam: Julia Thorne

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The ex-wife of John Kerry and the mother of his two daughters has died of cancer. She was very committed to speaking out about her battle with depression, writing the 1993 book You Are Not Alone: Words of Experience and Hope for the Journey through Depression, with Larry Rothstein.

Thanks for your efforts, Julia. Travel well.

Julia Thorne, author and ex-wife of Sen. Kerry, dead at 61 [Boston.com]

MySpace cry for help?

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The AP reports that a 20-year-old soldier, Dylan Meyer, who committed suicide in his barracks at Fort Gordon, Georgia, made his intentions clear on his MySpace page. Was he hoping someone would see his post and try to help? It seems like the only people who are on MySpace all day long are desperate men searching for busty women to add to their friends list. Poor Dylan never had a chance.

By the way, the AP story's dateline reads: CYBERSPACE. I feel it's only a matter of time before datelines read: THE DARKEST POCKET OF THE UNIVERSE.

Possible Myspace suicide probed
Soldier found dead after apparent suicide

April 27, 2006

Um, hero of the day: Yakov Smirnoff

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After you bust your ass being a Cold War paragon of cultural humor, it's time to get serious and help others. After all those years of making us laugh—and heartily!—the comedian will now make us cry, on purpose, maybe while we're prone on his couch.

Today Smirnoff graduates from University of Pennsylvania with an M.S. in psychology, which he's planning to use to promote an "Age of Enlaughterment"—and no, I am totally not making that up.

In Graduate School Of Psychology, Tests Psychoanalyze You! [Philadelphia Will Do]

Guantanamo: Sexual and religious torture, but then pizza!

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Jumah al-Dossari, 33, has been a Guantanamo Bay prisoner for four years—though he hasn't been charged with anything. He's tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists and/or hanging himself 12 times; he accounts for a third of the suicide attempts at Guantanamo. He alleges he's been grievously abused and mistreated, and Amnesty International has highlighted his case.

Authorities say he has opporuties to interact despite his maximum-security isolation. From the Independent (U.K.):

[Authorities] even claim he can "interact with one or more interrogators in various ways, including eating Western food such as hamburger and pizza."

Oh, well then. That's a different story. Maybe if they just throw in some apple pie, he'll stop trying to hang himself.

Guantanamo Bay prisoner 'tried to commit suicide a dozen times'

Traduccion dificil

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Southern Oregon University is offering a new seminar for health and human service professionals —which includes a trip to Guanajuato, Mexico—to address the question of Hispanic mental health care concerns. Officials in Oregon have seen Latino clients misdiagnosed with mental illness simply because their behavior was unfamiliar to Anglos.

Mental health specialist Alejandra Moreno told the Mali Tribune: "The same disorder might look different in a Hispanic person than in an Anglo because of our different mourning traditions or practices of disciplining our children."

The seminar should close that gap somewhat. Can I go too?

Mental health care: lost in translation?

Funny headline of the day

From Australia's The Age: "We Can Be Fair Dinkum and Bipolar"

Hee.

Click here for the article.

Medisucks Part D: Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee

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From USA Today, of all places:

"They are poor or near-poor, old, disabled or both. Some have cancer or AIDS, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, spinal cord injuries or multiple sclerosis. Others have lists of medications as long as the alphabet.


"They're paying more for their drugs, perhaps as little as $1 per prescription, but often thousands of dollars a year. Some buy on credit without knowing how they'll pay it off. Others scrimp on food and utilities or rely on the charity of family and friends.

"When things get really bad, they space out their pills or injections, risking medical setbacks. They lose weight or swell up or get nauseated. Some wind up in emergency rooms.

"They are the people that Medicare's new prescription-drug program has hurt, rather than helped."

I'm glad some media outlets are keeping this in the news.
Tough choices can be side effects of Medicare plan

BBI: Budget update from NAMI

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According to this release from NAMI, there are some Republicans who are on our side. This is like a warp in the space-time continuum. It's giving me brain freeze.

House Set to Consider Budget Resolution

This week the House of Representatives is scheduled to return to debate the FY 2007 Budget Resolution. The budget resolution that the House will consider does NOT include the $7 billion increase for health and education funding (the Specter-Harkin amendment) endorsed by the Senate on March 16 by a 73-27 vote; more information is available on the NAMI Website.

Fortunately, a group of House Republican moderates -- led by Representative Mike Castle [R-DE, pictured above] is working to restore this $7 billion in additional funding authority for health research and services, as well as education programs before the budget resolution reaches the full House later this week. Two dozen House Republicans recently signed a letter to House leaders urging restoration of cuts to health and education programs.


Action Needed

Advocates are strongly encouraged to contact their House member and urge them to join Representative Mike Castle's effort to restore the $7 billion in cuts to health research and services that were enacted in FY 2006, and proposed by the Presdient for FY 2007. The message is simple -- unless the House leadership agrees to restore funding as requested by Representative Castle and his colleagues. Remind members of Congress that unless funding is restored, resources for health research and services (including mental illness research at NIMH and services at SAMHSA) will be below what they were in 2005. All House offices can be reached through the Capital Switchboard at 202-224-3121.

Background

The FY 2007 Budget Resolution sets overall budget ceilings for consideration of spending bills that Congress will act on later this year. The resolution limits the overall discretionary funding they can be allocated to priorities such as research, services, housing, veterans programs, etc. The Senate adopted its proposed budget on March 16 and included the additional $7 billion in funding authority as part of the Specter-Harkin Amendment. By contrast, the House Budget Committee rejected the Specter-Harkin amendment on a party-line vote when it was offered by Representative Rosa DeLauro (D-CT), on March 29.

For mandatory spending -- i.e., entitlement programs such as Medicare and Medicaid -- the budget resolution provides instructions to individual committees in the House and Senate to pass legislation enacting changes designed to reach specific spending targets. Both the House and Senate budget resolutions do NOT include instructions to the committees with jurisdiction over Medicare and Medicaid (Senate Finance, House Energy and Commerce, House Ways and Means) to move forward on additional cuts to the programs. This means that proposals in the President's budget FY 2007 budget for more than $35 billion in cuts to Medicare and $9 billion in cuts to Medicaid appear to be dead for the remainder of the year.

NAMI Testimony on the FY 2007 Budget

On March 31, 2006, NAMI Board Presdient Suzanne Vogel-Scibilia submitted testimony to the House Appropriations Committee on the budget requests for the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

April 26, 2006

Walking in my socks

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I think I can safely say that the best thing I got from having a mental illness is a sense of perspective. My motto is: What's the worst that can happen? Because the worst has already happened, and I can deal with anything now.

For instance, I realize it doesn't matter if I get a bad haircut or gain a few pounds when I'm PMS-ing. The hair will grow back; I'll lose the weight. And time, like sand through an hourglass, will move on.

I've also learned that it's not really important how I come across to others. I mean, I like to behave with decorum, but after so many years of being socially inappropriate, I can't worry too much if someone thinks I'm a little strange.

Today, walking home from the psychiatrist, I was suddenly stricken with an urgent realization: If I don't get my feet out of these stupid high-heeled clogs, I'm going to be crippled for life. But I was still two blocks away from work. So you know what? I just took the clogs off and walked in my socks.

Philly is a big city, and people here are used to all kinds of weird sights. A woman walking in her socks is really the least of it. No one even blinked. I put my shoes on right before I got to my building, which was good timing because I ended up running into my colleague's husband. We smiled and said hi, but it might have been more awkward if I was just wearing socks.

But who cares, anyway? I'm healthy, mostly. That's all that matters.

A Philly tip

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So many people send me emails about their mental-health groups and events, I can't keep up. There's something for everyone out there—I wouldn't be surprised to learn of a Schizophrenic Schnauzer Collective. And here's another one:

Recovery, Inc. is a free MH mutual aid group for practicing cognitive behavioral techniques. Recovery is typically high functioning men and women growing stronger, helping each oher. In Center City, meetings are available Tuesday nights at 7:30 PM and Saturdays at 2:30 PM in the second floor conference rooms at Graduate Hospital, 18th & Lombard Streets. Meetings are free. Click here for more info.

[Oh, and BTW, I don't endorse this method, necessarily, but I know people are often looking for support groups, so I'm putting this out there.]

First wish-list entry

From Linda:

1. A way to figure out the perfect medicine the first time.
2. The perfect medicine!
3. Differentiation between adolescent bipolar disease and schizophrenia with a simple test—be it MRI, blood test, etc.
4. Raising the minimum age of consent for mentally ill patients from 14.

Send your wish list in: click here.

Wish list

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Yesterday I asked everyone to send in a list of demands for May, which is Mental Health Month. Now I realize "demand" is kind of aggressive. How's about we make a wish list? Like if there were a mental-health fairy, what would we ask her to do?

Here's my wish list:
1. Insurance parity.
2. A true informed-consent policy around ECT.
3. More community housing options.
4. CIT training for all police departments.
5. An end to stigmatizing and stupid portrayals of mentally ill in popular culture.


Get the idea? So what's your wish list?

All together, now: Bipolar made me do it

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James Classen killed his wife of 31 years, from whom he was estranged, by stabbing her more than 70 times with a pair of scissors. His lawyer said Classen wasn't culpable because of his bipolar disorder. How tiresome.

The jury didn't buy it. They sentenced him to 22 years.

Prominent Battle Ground dentist charged with wife's murder

April 25, 2006

An e-book worth reading

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I've been reading some books online today, and it's not so bad, really. I still think they're somewhat evil, and that everyone should regularly go to the library—or at the very least a bookstore—but I admit it's convenient to peek into something during the day when I need to, especially for work.

My latest discovery is Depression: A Primer, by Ellen. It's quite charming and informative, and a good, funny read even if you know what depression is already.

I depart from her point of view in three ways:
1. I disagree with her characterization of ECT as "safe and effective."
2. I don't believe God has anything to do with it.
3. I think her focus on Cognitive Behavior Therapy is unhelpful for people suffering major depression.

That being said, you should check it out. It's endearing.

Ellen's Depression: A Primer [Mental Help Net]

Make your voice heard

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May is Mental Health Month. This provides an opportunity for mental health advocates like meself to cram useful information down the public's collective throat—albeit in a disarmingly funny way so they don't really notice they're getting their medicine. (It's how I used to pill my cat too.)

So I want the readers of this blog to write to me with your demands, and then we'll create a master list that I'll publish here and in my column.

How can we improve the mental health care system? What do we want our peers, our legislators, our employers and doctors to do differently?

Speak out, good TwS readers, and tell you friends. Let's mobilize!

[Photo courtesy RendezVousPoint via Flickr.]

Demi-demi celebrities (but not Demi Moore) in the mental health news

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The German soccer star Sebastian Deisler (pictured) is being treated for depression as an inpatient again. He's gone through this before, sadly, but this latest bout seems to have been prompted by his being excluded from the World Cup due to an injury. That is indeed a bummer. I like how he's being open about the reason for his hospitalization, as he has been in past years. Germany is quite progressive in a lot of ways.

Also, Bollywood actor Navin Nischol's wife Geetaniali killed herself this week, and it looks like a campaign is on to blame Nischol and his brother Pravin for her suicide. (Side note: I think Nischol's parents should be blamed for giving their sons rhyming names. That seems mean.)


Deisler back in treatment for depression [Today Online]
Wife of actor Navin Nischol commits suicide [Times of India]

Ohmigod, it's 9:56 a.m. and I'm posting

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I consider any time that's before 10 a.m. unnaceptable for human contact and vertical ambulation. Thus I'm rather proud of myself that I'm posting now.

Having not had sufficient time to comb the news sites and my email yet, I have little to say in terms of mental health. So instead I'll just share a personal revelation I had on my way to work: I make a habit of realizing things after it's too late to do anything about them.

To wit: Yesterday I was almost at the trolley stop before I realized I'd forgotten to shave my legs—and I was wearing a skirt. It was way too late to go back home, but the stubble was pretty unsightly. Nothing I could do about it except hope people didn't notice. I tried to recall my college/grad school days, when I didn't shave at all. I had thick fur under my arms back then, and I wore sleeveless tops all the time. But those were different times—the ’60s. Er, the ’70s. Okay, well, the late ’80s and early ’90s. Ugh.

Today I realized—again, after I'd left the house—that my white T-shirt is far more see-through in natural light than in the sepulchral dim of my bedroom. Looks like I'll be keeping my sweatshirt on all day.

Such are the discoveries, tragic and hobbling to the self-esteem, that mark my day. What joy.

April 24, 2006

My problems with the Philadelphia Inquirer's take on blogs

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In yesterday's Philadelphia Inquirer, Jonathan Last (pictured) sounds off about the Internet. He writes: "It wasn't until last year that I became convinced the Internet was the locus of all evil in the known universe."

Then: "You may find this statement odd. After all, the Internet pays my mortgage, so I have a vested interest in its continued success. I've been the online editor of the Weekly Standard (www.weekly standard.com) since 2001, and I was dabbling on the InterWeb long before that. I launched a Web zine (http://go.philly.com/squiremag) with two college friends in 1997, before Web zines were cool. In 2004, I started a little blog (http://galleyslaves.blogspot. com)."

He should have added, "And go to all those sites as fast as you can! Click, click, click! I mean, even though the Internet's evil. Ahem."

My other problems with the piece:

1. Use of the word "synecdoche." I think people in Philly might think that's some kind of stromboli.
2. "Whether the person blogging is a pajama-clad lawyer or a Pulitzer-winning journalist, the medium is the message, and the message of blogging is: More! FASTER!" I don't know about that. I'm a pajama-clad Oscar-winning journalist, and I don't kick out my blog jams till noon.
3. "[Bloggers] encourage the practice of journalism to turn in on itself, to tend ever more toward navel-gazing." Okay, now that's really hitting below the belt. I just started my blog this year, but I've been navel-gazing— professionally— for seven years!
4. "Show me a New York Times story on war in Sudan, and I'll show you 20 bloggers who think the real story is how the Times fails in its coverage of war in Sudan." At least those bloggers are talking about something substantive. Go to the NYT's list of "most emailed" articles, and you'll find readers sending each other travel tips for Europe and recipes. Go to "most blogged" and you'll see a list of stories almost entirely related to politics.
5. "Except for Mark Steyn and James Lileks, it's hard to pick out even three beautiful writers from the millions of bloggers." Okay, maybe I'm not beautiful, exactly, but I've always been considered quite pretty. James Lileks has a receding hairline. But maybe it's in the eye of the beholder.
6. "Being a good writer helps a blogger about as much as a good singing voice helps a broadcast anchor." Jonathan, haven't you ever heard Katie Couric's rendition of "Memory" from Cats? It's fantastic.
7. "The Old Media - the New Yorker, the New York Times, The Philadelphia Inquirer, the Atlantic Monthly - add to the store of public information in ways which seem irreplaceable." Did he just put "Inquirer" between "the New York Times" and "the Atlantic Monthly"? Cheeky monkey!

Blog humbug (but don't forget to click on my links!)
[Inky]
BONUS: D-Mac strikes back [Philadelphia Will Do]

Least surprising headline of the week. Er, last week. Okay, two weeks ago.

Joe G. sent this in on April 12, saying, "My friends who
suffer from schizophrenia deserve better than treatment predicated on
self-serving research."

From the piece in the Washington Post:

In fact, when psychiatrist John Davis analyzed every publicly available trial funded by the pharmaceutical industry pitting five new antipsychotic drugs against one another, nine in 10 showed that the best drug was the one made by the company funding the study.

Comparison of Schizophrenia Drugs Often Favors Firm Funding Study

Are you a little loopy? Can you draw?

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Despite my father being a part-time graphic designer and illustrator, I have very little artistic talent—though when I was hooked on Desoxyn, I got into making drawings on clayboard, and they showed some potential. Sadly, the minute I was off the speed, my clayboard efforts looked like they were done by a 6-year-old.

So I won't be donating to the National Mental Health Association's consumer art auction. The art will be on display at NMHA's annual meeting (June 7-10 in D.C.), and the auction proceeds will benefit consumer artists and the NMHA Scholarship Fund. Entries are open to all artists (youth or adults) who live with mental health problems. Applications must be sent to NMHA by May 1, 2006. The application form is available here, or go to NMHA's website.

[The drawing here is one I did when I was little. My dad helped.]

Is there anything more noxious than a migraine?

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This morning I awoke at 7:20 a.m., an ungodly and implausible hour for me, with my head throbbing. Dazed and still half-asleep, I thought: I know how to get rid of this pain: eat some Trader Joe's vanilla-almond granola. As I spooned those delicious clusters into my mouth (Trader Joe's is not paying me to say that), I realized what was happening: a migraine. Fuck.

I get migraines maybe once every two months, and it sucks. Every sound is magnified. This morning a bird kept tweeting, and as a therapeutic method, I pictured my hands around its feathered neck—and then regretted my imaginary sin almost immediately.

Next I heard the rain pattering so loudly on the fire escape (or la terrasse, as I like to call it), I initially thought it was a tribe of drummers standing out there, next to our little grill, trying to drive the pain further into my head.

And those gauzy white curtains that seem so Joel Meyerowitz? They let in great, noisy streams of light that pierce my eyelids.

I do take Imitrex, but it's like setting fire to my scalp. And yet when the pain is so bad, I think, "Set that fire, baby. Burn it up." It's like my own Donna Summer song.

The only good thing that can be said of a migraine is that when the pain and nausea stop, I feel so celebratory, I want to throw a party. It's like being dead and coming back to life. Yay life!

April 21, 2006

Webby Awards

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I've only been out of the office for three days, but my mailbox is overflowing. Don't people know that snail mail is passe? I was especially surprised, in fact, to find a letter from the Webby Awards.

Okay, confession: I entered. I thought it would be good PR for the blog if, by some miracle, it got nominated. Then I could go online and beg everyone to vote in the People's Voice thing, and all you TwS fans would vote, and we'd create a mental-health revolution.

But I didn't get nominated. Instead, I'm an "Official Honoree." This is a little like getting that Xeroxed certificate at the end of a weekend rope-climbing course, but I'm consoling myself by reading the not-very-fine print:

"Being selected as an Official Honoree means a site has been selected as one of the top sites on the Web as part of the Webby judging process, based on the Webby judging criteria. Less than 20% of the sites entered in the Webby Awards are deemed Official Honorees. With thousands of entries in the Webby Awards each year, being selected as an Official Honoree is a notable achievement."

So that's cool, right? I'm even getting a framed certificate in the mail. It's going to say, "Congratulations on attending our Krav Maga self-defense one-hour demonstration class. You are now a Certified Person!"

Webby Award Official Honorees

"I'm the decider! Bam! Bam!"

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I dreamt the other night that the Supreme Court ruled on the insanity defense. It didn't work out in favor of people with mental illnesses. When I heard the news, I shrugged. "That was predictable," I said.

Then our illustrious president George W. put in his two cents on the issue: "I'm the decider, so I get to decide."

In dreams are reality.

Insanity Defense on Trial [PBS Online Newshour]

Bush: 'I'm the decider' on Rumsfeld
[CNN]

I'm back

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And I've discovered my passion for driving a sportscar. What handling. I know it's only a Ford, but it made me feel quite zippy. When I passed people on the road, I imagined they thought I was kind of cool, although it's hard to be cool in a Ford, right?

I had plenty of time to contemplate this yesterday, as I ended up spending a solid five hours in the car. Before I left the area, I followed signs to "the world's largest general store" in Wind Gap, Pa. The notion of the general store is somewhat archaic, so I'm not sure how this particular distinction (world's largest) was determined. The store was indeed vast, and had the most peculiar assortment of things you'd never want. Old signs, hammocks, fishing nets, desktop fountains, innumerable animal figurines, rocking chairs, silk flowers, toothbrush holders, taxidermied mountain rams, a giant dinosaur statue that roared convincingly, fake cowboy guns and more. It's hard for me to walk into a store, especially one so vast, and buy nothing, but I couldn't even find a knick-knack that appealed. There was a petting zoo, but I didn't see any animals so I left.

The drive from the Pocono mountains to Philadelphia should rightly be about two hours, but I missed my exit and went out of my way by an hour and a half. Oops! Then there was construction and an accident on a major road and before I knew it I was in the car for a full five hours. And I still haven't finished my cover story.

This blog will be spruced up and reinvested with my love starting Monday. Sorry for the delays.

April 20, 2006

A reader tells her story

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Not long ago I put out a call for readers of my column to tell their own stories in dealing with bipolar disorder. Because I'll be in the car for much of the day, and won't be able to blog, I thought it would be a perfect time to present this powerful piece from a regular reader. (I'll post her name and photo later if she's comfortable with that.)

My bipolar onset around 18. There was one visit to an MD who suggested I quit school and marry a cowboy; one visit with a psychiatrist. He played Blood on the Tracks and we agreed the recording wasn't talking to me—that was it for therapy for all those years of confusion. At 36 my husband took me to the hospital; at 40-something I went off the medication. I wanted to be normal.


46, unmedicated, I had a horrendous psychotic episode. But then, it's an ill wind that blows no good, because I did get to stay in France a week longer, even if it was in Sainte Anne's Mental Hospital. I remember looking at my hands after I came out of the psychosis and thinking: sanity, that is what is most important to me. The same little lightning bolt hit me in the Olympia, Washington hospital. Sanity.

My parents were great drinkers, otherwise known as functioning alcoholics. They were a blast. We had fun. Dad flew as a captain for United, brought Mom duty free vodka and me music boxes. Mother was just very lively: except after 6:30 pm! She was never mean, just embarrassing.


My brother molested me when he was around 16, me 15. That only happened once but it left me very confused, especially as I was a willing participant. Couldn't stand up to him, then or now.


Freshman college year: All As, then it plummeted. I just felt weird, depressed, unreal, unshowered. That was a mild precursor to the next episode, at another school—for I felt I'd made such a fool of myself at the first, I transferred.

With the 2nd episode, I was all about grandiose art projects. I called one of my professors repeatedly in a stalker mode. I jumped on the bed. I thought I was Mark Twain (we share a birthday). I got date-raped by an African exchange student who laughed at me.

But the crown jewel of that delusion was driving across the state because I believed Paul Simon had a proposal ring for me. By the time I got to the motel room, the delusional story board had changed and now, I don't remember the plotline.


I rested up at home, i.e., was in a major depression. They sent me back a few time to another school and the same things happened twice, maybe more? Back at home, depressed, finally a boyfriend offered a move with him to Seattle. Steady job, emotional security, 4 years of stability.


Later, married, two children, I became obsessed with a Mexican American man at the juvenile rehab I worked at, though we barely spoke. That, and just being bipolar spun me into hypersexual mania. When the summer ice cream truck was playing "The Sting" I believed someone was looking to kill me. I hid.


I tried to leap out of the car on the way up to the hospital, tried to rip my shirt off in the police car (my husband couldn't keep me from attempting these jumps, so called the cops for help). I was one big howl, like the Allen Ginsburg poem, only I howled really embarrassing things about my obsessive "lover" and who knows what. Restrained to a bed, injected, isolation...then the puzzles and painting little boxes.

The staff and patients at that hospital left a little to be desired. Now the French hospital in ’02 had us at tables of four and we were, for the most part, served our meals. Every morning bowls of steaming cafe au lait. Delicious bread. I didn't like all the food, but neither did the other patients. They were quite particular.


That French episode I went 8 days without sleep. Jetlag threw me off, things piled up, I don't know exactly what caused this one—but I was unmedicated. I just thought each night sleep would come. Even a bedtime bottle of wine only made it worse. Then the 8th day—crash. The TV in the hotel room was a surveillance device; the Irish Tourist Board was spying on me; I was in some cult and had lost precious crystals; Paris was being taken over by Arabs and North Africans and it was revolution; I was on The Amazing Race. But to be emphasized: all these things were real. The worse delusion was all were leaving the planet, those left would be eaten by wild animals.


I wandered all night in Paris with these thoughts. I looked up a lights in rooms, scrawny cats crossed the street, garbage trucks waited at corners. In the morning, women rolled their shopping carts. I made my way to the Paris Expo to join the spaceship. I began pushing people, I think, or somehow causing a nuisance. Then I was on my stomach in a van, 6 sets of boots to stomp on my back when I screamed. Now, I was convinced the police were to slice my foot off below the knee. Paul McCartney's new wife had been made up from parts, like Frankenstein, and I'm sorry to say that, Sir Paul, I really am, but my warped mind believed it was true.


Next thing: in a padded, locked room. A leather belt around my waist, with chains connecting to leather wristbands. More unpleasantness, then to the hospital, which was very nice—except I lived a week with only the clothes on my back.


I don't understand bipolar. I was fine for long periods of time. But I watch my medication pretty closely now. I don't feel quite the same after the last manic episode. I don't know if chemically my brain is different or that the experience has tempered me. We have no support group within a reasonable distance: I go online to Mood Garden, a wonderful bipolar and depression site. I could start up a support group with DBSA myself. I've thought about it...I'm still thinking. I'm not a saint and the burden makes me pause, I have to admit.



April 19, 2006

High anxiety

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Whenever I'm working on a cover story for the paper, I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It's not rational; after all these years writing for the paper (I started in 1998), you'd think I'd know that I can, in fact, get the piece done. But every time I think, "I can't do it. I won't be able to do it." Disaster looms.

Last night, happily ensconced in my hotel room, and wearing my mom's old cotton nightgown that I only wear when I'm alone because it's so unflattering (but so comfy!), I tried to relax by watching Animal Planet and reading dumb magazines. It was no use. I had only written 390 words, and today is my big day of reporting. I had a full-fledged panic attack—the kind where you feel like you're going to die before it's over. I took extra Ativan—no more Medication Debate Shuffle for me—and did breathing exercises to get through the worst of it.

Now I'm getting ready to leave to interview a bunch of people during a hectic day, hopping in and out of crowded cars. How will I be able to write notes? How will I endure the pressure of being "on" all day? It's really nerve-wracking. I know most of my fellow reporters don't experience this kind of anxiety- and depression-fueled dread before an assignment. Lucky them.

But I'm guessing the people I'll meet will be nice and funny. They're all super into Jayne Mansfield. That's, uh, quirky, to say the least. Quirky people understand each other. I hope.

April 18, 2006

They drive by fright

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As luck would have it, the Howard Johnson here in the Poconos has wireless. God only knows how much these very words are costing me (well, my employer) to type.

My rental car is terrible. It's a small bright orange sportscar—the kind that has its butt in the air, so to speak, and a large and unwieldy foil (?) on the trunk. The rearview window is miniscule, and almost entirely obscured by that weird thing that I guess is supposed to look cool.

I get very stressed out when I have to drive to far-off places, so I tend to drive like an old person—5 to 10 miles below the speed limit. I see the fury on people's faces as they pass me, but I can't go faster. My heart is pounding too furiously. I didn't learn to drive till I was in my 20s.

Okay, I have to go and be a reporter now. It's fun to play pretend! Meanwhile, read this:

Schizophrenia as Misstep by Giant Gene [NY Times]

April 17, 2006

Did you miss me?

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Ha ha. I haven't actually left yet. I'm sitting at home, doing the Medication Debate Shuffle. It's the hottest new dance. Here are the steps:

1. Think to yourself, with a gentle hip-swing: "I'm not going to get much sleep unless I give in and take more Ativan."
2. Then take a step to the right: "But that would be, like, junkie behavior."
3. Now wrap your arms around yourself for a hug: "You're not a junkie. You take prescription medication to address symptoms brought on by a brain disorder."
4. Step back: "But is the anxiety a part of the bipolar? No, it's not. One could argue it's just garden-variety neurosis."
5. Rationalize with a twist: "Okay, but even so, it necessitates a chemical as treatment, and as it is you're only taking one tiny pill when most of the world pops them like candy. Does taking another half pill really matter?"
6. Face forward: "Yeah, it does."
7. Put your hands on your hip, and look into the long dark night ahead: "I'm not taking another pill. Sometimes you gotta feel your feelings to know what's going on."

And that's what it's all about!

Here's the deal, my friends

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Tomorrow I head to the Pocono mountains to report on Jayne Mansfield's online fan club. I'm meeting the members at Black's Luncheonette in Pen Argyl. We're going to eat (I presume), then go to the graveyard where she's buried, go to the funeral home and also go to her parents and grandparents' house. It should be, um, fun. This is what I love about alt-weekly writing. Can't get an assignment like this at the Wall Street Journal.

I'm staying for two nights at a Howard Johnson's. I hope to have Internet access, but I might not. I picked an inexpensive motel-type place to save PW money, as I always do. (If I cared so much about my own finances, I'd be in great shape.)

So I'll post something at some point, but I don't know how or when. If you don't see my writing on the site, look into the night sky and say my name 10 times. I'll be there. I promise.

Arguing for forced commitment, among other things

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It's every consumer activist's nightmare: an articulate journalist with personal experience of mental illness making an eloquent argument for forced commitment.

Writer Pete Earley is the author of Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness, which started as a personal account of his son's battle with mental illness and became a more journalistic account of the system's shortcomings. His conclusion? People should be forcefully committed sometimes—even institutionalized. Prisons have become mental health facilities, Earley points out, and the mental health facilities have all kinds of barriers to giving people appropriate treatment.

I agree with almost everything Earley says in this interview (below) from Salon.com, particularly his call to reevaluate the imminent danger clause. I'm hoping his book will get people talking about this stuff in a realistic way.

The words "crazy" and "madness" are two very loaded terms in the mental health community. Why did you decide to use them in the title of your book?

Well, just your asking that shows that you know more about the mental health system than I did when [my publisher and I] made that choice. Actually, originally we were going to call the book "The Ninth Floor," but my editor felt that was too obtuse. So we came up with "Crazy" -- and the whole point was this idea that the system is crazy, it's broken, it's a mess. Since then, though, I've thought, Gee, it wasn't probably the best choice-- because some people find it offensive and don't look beyond that word, don't see that we're talking about the system.

Partly I'm a newcomer to this, and I didn't realize that some people find the term "the mentally ill" insulting, that it should be people with mental illnesses. But basically, I feel like I've spent three years of my life on this and my motives are pure. I have a son who is [in the mental health system] and this is an issue I care passionately about.

You make a point of repeating that mental illness can happen to anyone. Do you think people's fear of disease is responsible for some of the stigmatizing of people with severe mental illness that goes on in America?

Mental illnesses are so frightening and there's so much ignorance about them that I think it comforts people to think, Oh, well, it happens to these people because they deserve it. I've heard a lot of people, including prosecutors, say, Oh, that person's mentally ill but they got [that way] by taking drugs -- even though the National Institute of Mental Health says that's impossible. Those are the same rationalizations that have been used throughout history, from the time we first started recognizing that some people act differently. We want to blame the individual because we don't want to think it can happen to us. We want to think that the person who's ranting and raving on a street corner and living on the street somehow wants to be that way. That way we can justify walking by them and not caring and reaching out. A lot of what we do helps us cover up our own guilt, but I also think it covers up the fear.


It does seem like severe mental illnesses are largely ignored until a sensational crime takes place -- like someone with schizophrenia pushing someone in front of a subway train. Why do you think those are the only times people take notice?

When people who have mental illnesses start being a threat, by pushing someone in front of a subway, or chopping off someone's arms, or drowning their children in a bathtub, then all of a sudden that frightens people and people want to do something about it. The people who are really pushing to stop people with mental illnesses from being put in jails and prisons are sheriffs, police and correctional officers because they know they don't belong there.

But what I explain in my book is that you can describe the conditions that the mentally ill face, you can talk about how jails and prisons have become our new asylums, you can talk about how there are no services there. But talking doesn't get people to act. So it's kind of a double-edged sword -- we don't want to stigmatize the mentally ill as being dangerous, because the majority of them are not, but by the same token, that seems to be the only way that people will sit up and take notice that conditions are lousy and that we need to reexamine the whole system.


What are some of the dangers and pitfalls of trying to understand and navigate a system as a journalist that you've become so tied to as a father?

I tried to be objective when I was in Miami, but was I? Probably not. Because when I went through the ninth floor, every time I looked at someone who was screaming and throwing feces, or being beaten up by the staff, I thought about my son. I guess what you have to do then is say that upfront, say, "Look, I'm going to tell you right upfront that I am a parent and I'm also a journalist."

I think that the real difference is not so much that you lose your objectivity, because I tried [to maintain a balance]. I talked to civil rights advocates. I talked to the police. I talked to correctional officials. I talked to psychiatrists, psychologists. I did everything a reporter would do who didn't have a son with a mental illness. The difference is that you find yourself becoming impassioned. You feel a tremendous drive to scream, yell, to do anything to call attention to what's going on. You become an advocate. But I think that's what good journalism is about. I'm sorry. I think that some of the greatest muckrakers and some of the greatest investigative journalists of all time had strong feelings about civil rights. There is a role for the journalist-advocate. And as long as you play your cards on the table, I think that's a role that we should allow.


You suggest the revival of the asylum system might be a way to provide safe places for people with mental illnesses, places that allow them to escape the streets and jails and hospitals. Do you think that's really possible?

I think it's actually happening right now, but in a negative way. In Miami, for instance, there is an activist, well-meaning judge who is looking at the jails and prisons and seeing horrid conditions. So the prisons are under heat and they say, "OK, we'll create special units just for persons with mental illnesses where they can be safe while they're locked up." But the point is they're still in jail, they're still in prison and they shouldn't be there. What we're really doing is we're re-creating old state asylums in jails. You follow me?

What makes me angry is that we decided the old asylums were horrible places, so we shut them down in favor of community treatment centers. And, unfortunately, even though that sounds good, community-based treatment centers are not equipped to take care of people with severe mental illnesses. So what's happened? Well, we're dumping people in nursing homes, we've dumped them in rest homes, we've dumped them in awful assisted living facilities.

There are 647 [assisted living facilities] in Miami and 400 of them don't even pass minimal standards. I've walked through them. A typical one has 40 or 50 people crowded in it, is an old, beat-up house where the landlord is making as much money as he can off of them. The landlord has hired an undocumented worker to run the place who doesn't speak the same language as the people in it. Pills are sitting on the table with no one handing them out. There is no one who knows how to dispense them. The people are fed rice and beans every meal and completely unsupervised in the sense that they can wander the streets, and many of them are confused. How is that an improvement? I'm not saying that the old asylums were good, because they weren't, but the point is, have we really helped or changed these people's lives? We haven't. We've simply hidden them better.


I worked for 10 years in a psychosocial club for adults with severe mental illness, where the ultimate goal was reintegration into society. What troubles me is that many of the people I met there had experienced forced restraint, over-medication and other abusive effects of the hospital system. Given the precarious state of Medicaid and Social Security, what makes you think we could get asylums right the second time around?

That's an excellent question. It's hard, because it's also about money. It costs an average of $500 a night to keep someone in a psychiatric bed. It costs $89 in the jail. But I want to be real clear about something. I'm not suggesting that we create the old hospital network. I'm not suggesting that we pull people out of communities. In the book I do try to give examples of programs that work. But the reason they work is because they have somebody running it who's compassionate, who's concerned, who cares and wants to get people with mental illnesses back into our society.

In those same chapters, though, I talk about picking a day at random to go to the courthouse, and seeing cases involving people with severe mental illness whom the courts have literally no idea how to place. Alice Ann is one example. She was a hardcore person who's had mental illness, who was deinstitutionalized, who was dumped on the street. She pushed an elderly person at a bus stop and for three years she was sent back and forth on a bus between the state hospital and the courts. Why? Because they didn't know what to do with her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need a system that has several levels. We shouldn't have to make people with mental illnesses into criminals. We need a place outside the jail system in the community where they can receive treatment and services. But to just say that we can't build those kinds of asylums because they are going to be mental hospitals, I think is short-sighted -- I think it's the stigma of the old system.


In your investigation you came across a number of fatalities involving police officers and people with mental illnesses that might have been prevented if the officers had gone through a specialized training program like Crisis Intervention Team.

I think CIT training should be [mandatory] in every community. It's not as sexy as SWAT, it's not as sexy as hostage rescue teams, but the police need it.

The problem in this country is that people in the mental health community don't want to talk about commitment. It's the idea that everyone is scared of. And that's where I blame civil rights' attorneys. And I know that seems harsh. Because civil rights attorneys are out there trying to protect the mentally ill, people who need to be protected. But by the same token, it doesn't do society or a person with mental illness any good to let them walk out the door untreated.

The question is how do you change that? And I think we need to reexamine our commitment laws. We need to reexamine the imminent danger clause that states use to determine treatment, based strictly on whether or not a person seems to be an immediate risk to himself or others. Because I think a lot of that [legislation] was passed in the '80s when we had horrible institutions. It was passed when people thought that mental illness was a choice.


These are issues that are very much in contention within the mental health community.

Yes, in my short venture into the mental health community I've seen a lot of infighting. When the truth is, we all should be going after the same thing, which is to help these people. And if you have a person who's been on and off their medication 40 or 50 times, who has a long history of decompensating -- why in the world would we let that person get to the stage where basically we've written them off?

I had to come at this as a parent. And I've got to tell you it's almost impossible to describe what it's like to have a sick child and not be able to get them help. And to watch them go further and further and further into this abyss and not be able to pull them out. And as a parent, that's what drives me, and what makes me so [focused on the issue of] civil rights. Yes, I want [my son's] civil rights protected -- but when everyone in the room knows he has a serious mental illness but lets a person walk out the door and get into trouble, how does that help them?


But isn't the civil rights issue a very slippery slope? How do we decide who gets them and who gets them taken away?

It's absolutely a slippery slope. Certainly we need to build safeguards into the system. For instance, you need a panel that includes a guardian or a doctor and a lawyer, someone who can advocate for the person with mental illness.

Will there be mistakes made? Yes. But right now it's treated exactly as a criminal procedure, so the parents are cut out, the doctors are basically cut out -- it's all a matter of legality and whether a person is about to harm themselves or someone else. The courts have gone so far as to rule that a guy eating his own feces is not considered in imminent danger. To me that signals that the pendulum needs to swing back. For instance, what if a guy is in jail and not eating? We saying it's horrible to violate his civil rights, but when he gets to the point where he's about to die then we rush in -- and his civil rights don't matter anymore. But why wait until that point?


The turning point for you as an author and a father seems to be the scene when you leave the courtroom and realize that the woman who prosecuted your son for breaking into her house during a psychotic episode is not to be hated. Instead she becomes the target of your book, the person with whom you want to share all you've learned.

That was a very hard because I had gotten to the point where I hated her, because Mike's my son. And then I literally had to stop and I had to think how I'd react if I'd walked into my house and found this person I didn't recognize tearing up my possessions -- would I have sympathy? It was a humbling experience on my part, because I realized that I was operating now on knowledge that I had gained about mental illness that she didn't have.

The other issue that, quite frankly, I haven't come to terms with yet, is how as a parent to step back. For instance, there is one tragic case in my book -- April, who is living on the streets, has been gang raped, and is clearly psychotic, but her parents can't do anything. I don't know how you do that. If Mike were to go off his meds, if he becomes so despondent that I can't help him, how do I go on as a parent? I don't know how to answer that.


You end the book with three truths: that nothing in life is guaranteed or fair, that mental illness is a cruel disease with no known cure, and that it lasts forever. What message do you hope to send parents who are in a situation similar to yours?

The first is that this disease is no fault of theirs. As parents for a long time we have been relegated and blamed. But the one thing that never changes is that the parent is there; the loved one is there as long as they possibly can stand it. You're the one left to pick up the pieces and often you just feel helpless. I guess I'm just trying to say I don't think that's right, that I've been there, and I want to do something about it.

I hope people will be educated. I would love for this book to spur conversations about the imminent danger clause. Because a parent shouldn't take a psychotic child to a hospital and be turned away. I just don't believe that that should happen. I think that's why I put my own son's face and put my face in this book. I want people to see that this is what happens, and it's happening every day in this country. And I want them to see it on a personal, personified level -- not just through statistics. Nobody wants to dump people in state hospitals like throwaways. But can we learn from the past? That's the question.


Is your definition of hope the same as when you started out?

No. I naively thought everybody could be saved, that it was just a chemical problem so if we could just get the chemicals right he'd be fine. Then I thought, well, maybe assisted outpatient treatment would work, let's just get these people up off the streets, let's give them drugs, and they'll be fine. Eventually I guess what doing the book taught me was that it's the whole system. It's not only a matter of trying to keep people out of jail, out of prisons, it's a matter of having follow-up, it's a matter of having case managers, it's a matter of housing. All these things are linked together and very hard to be hopeful about.


You say that you first went down to Florida to find a success story. But after witnessing such horrible cases, did your goals for your son have to change?

Absolutely. The fact is, Mike was on probation for two years. And he took his medicine every day for two years. Then six months after he went off probation we discovered he had gone off his meds. And I couldn't believe it. I wanted to grab him, I wanted to shake him. But I think deep down, in his case, he feels that taking the meds is an admission to him that he has a mental illness -- and I think that's terribly hard for him to accept. My wife convinced him to go back on his meds, but right now we're not sure if he's on them or not.

So I guess that's what's weird about this book is that usually you write your book, you end your story and you move on. And this is not the end of my story.

I'm listening to Earley on NPR's Fresh Air right now. If you can listen, check it out. If not, it'll be available to hear later.

The insanity defense

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Today is historically momentous: It marks the first time that the Supreme Court is examining the notorious insanity defense—namely, whether such a defense is valid.

The case in question is being brought by an Arizona man with paranoid schizophrenia who killed a police officer, Jeff Moritz, in Flagstaff. Eric Michael Clark (pictured here with his lawyer) was 17 at the time of the crime, and his mental illness was clear enough that the judge in his first trial said he was indeed psychotic and delusional. But he was sent to a prison rather than a mental health facility.

An amicus brief has been filed in support of Clark by the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law. This means the case will be closely watched by people invested in mental health concerns.

At the moment I can't pass judgment on this case. Clark was only diagnosed after his crime, and there are a host of factors that complicate this more than, say, Dena Schlosser.

For an excellent breakdown of the particular case and the issues surrounding it, read the American Bar Association's "A Matter Over Mind," by John Gibeaut.

Was Eric Clark insane or just troubled? [CNN]

Supreme Court to take up insanity defense [Associated Press]

Stressing the point

A new study shows that stress might be a trigger, not a result, of depression. The research was done with mice, which makes me sad because of my pet mice. Better than with puppies, I guess.

Chronic Stress May Help Cause Depression [Forbes]

I went a-wading

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This weekend my boyfriend and I took a nature trip to the Brandywine River. He went fishing and I went wading. I saw a snake, numerous large turtles, ducks, geese, horses, mating beetles, hawks, crows and fish. How about that natural world, huh? Where do they come up with this stuff?

Sometimes it's hard to get yourself together to make a weekend trip happen. I've been really tired lately so I tried taking less Ativan, and that helps. But I appreciate the fact that my boyfriend is so understanding. Like at one point he went off fishing while I stayed on a playground swing and read my book. I got motion sickness, though. Swinging and reading don't really go together. I suspect that's why you see so little of it. And I also suspect it's why I was such a whiny child. Capture the Flag? No thank you. I'll stick with Judy Blume.

We stayed in an Economy Inn in Millville, New Jersey. I love hotels and motels. The woman who checked us in had L-O-V-E and H-A-T-E tatooed on her fingers, like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter. Badass.

This week I'm off to Pen Argyl, PA, to work on a cover story about Jayne Mansfield. Just two months ago, I wouldn't have been able to do any of this.

I love psychopharmacology.

Dr. Niederhut writes in about COBAD

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Several days ago, I wrote about a press release I received from Dr. William Niederhut, author of The COBAD Syndrome: New Hope for People Suffering from the Hidden Syndrome of Childhood-Onset Bipolar Disorder with ADHD. I glibly referred to the syndrome as an acronym Dr. Phil will likely use, but suggested COBAD might be somewhat manufactured.

Dr. Niederhut responds:

I wrote The COBAD Syndrome last year because I realized about two years ago that most of my bipolar adult patients with childhood-onset mood problems also had ADHD, and other features identified in research on children with bipolar disorders.


I found that treating the ADHD made a tremendous difference for my patients. The adult psychiatric community has not been very aware of the child research by Joseph Biederman at Harvard and Barbara Geller at Washington University, and they still aren't!

I only discovered this child research literature after both of my daughters were diagnosed with bipolar disorders in 2003. I then recognized a form of the disorder in myself, and began to recognize its features in many of my adult patients with bipolar disorders.

The psychiatric "establishment"--including AJP and JCP-- refused to publish my clinical findings in March of last year--mainly because they were based on "case series"--so I published my book and sent out press releases on my own. Several recent peer-reviewed studies have confirmed that my basic concept of the COBAD syndrome--childhood-onset bipolar disorder with ADHD--is real and prevalent in adults.

As for bread and butter, I paid out of pocket to send 100 copies of my book to research psychiatrists around the country last year, and don't expect to make a dime, nor do I expect any personal acclaim. If anything, my professional reputation has probably been somewhat damaged by my disclosure of my own, and my daughters' illness.

It is worth the cost to me, because I know that my approach to diagnosis and treatment of the COBAD syndrome will make a big difference for millions of people. I have seen the results in my daily work as a psychiatrist during the past two years!

As for the building that comes up under a search for my name? My relatives are all "distant," and I can only hope that it is either a good restaurant or a quality book store.

I'm glad he wrote in, complicating my view of his work. I admire his frankness about his family's illness.

April 14, 2006

Goth nation

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New research from Scotland says goth kids are more likely than others to try to harm themselves.


Half of young goths have tried suicide [Scotsman]

[Image by Machine via Flickr.]

Special Effexor: An update

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It's been a long time since I've chronicled my experience with Effexor. (Or at least a long time in the context of this young blog.) If you'll recall, I was struggling with a horrible depression that was preventing me from going to work regularly. My co-workers were frustrated, and I was barely functioning. I tried Wellbutrin, but it pushed me into a strange hallucinatory, dissociative state, and I had to discontinue it. Then I tried Effexor.

Some people warned me against the drug, and I did plenty of research that suggested it wouldn't necessarily be the easiest transition in the world if I wanted to go off it at some point. But I had started to suffer psychotic episodes, and, well, we can't have that. Once you imagine that someone you're talking to has fangs instead of teeth, you've gotta take action.

So I started the Effexor, and though it was a bumpy beginning, it has been miraculously helpful. A couple months after starting it, I was unable to even imagine what that deep depression felt like. Going to work was easy and fun again. Getting out of bed was a snap. Socializing remained intimidating, but I enjoyed it once I was at the event. I tried to recall what depression felt like, but I couldn't access it. That's when you know the meds are really working.

Now I've plateaued. I'm not deeply depressed in the way I was before, but I'm tired all the time again (or "tired," maybe), and kind of dispirited. Once again, nothing really appeals to me except Pop Tarts, and I'd rather just sleep than go out, despite the lovely weather here.

I know what this means because I've been doing this medication dance for 15 years. It means I'll have to increase the dosage again, which will make me more tired (not "tired") and nauseated. There will be more missed mornings of work, more hiding at home in my sweatpants. I'm guessing I'll feel better again in a month or two. But who knows for how long?

Dear God, someone stop this thing. I wanna get off.

On second thought...

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Perhaps I was too dazed earlier to properly contextualize my public-transportation drama. I think that post should have been headed:

SEPTA DRIVER REFUSES TO STOP VEHICLE FOR VOMITING PASSENGER. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

[Image courtesy Philebrity, where genius readers are creatively Photoshopping those ridiculous SEPTA ads.]

Thanks, Amara

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Yesterday Amara Rockar took over blogging duties, and I think she did a great job. Here's her last post, which she sent last night when I was already dorkily asleep. I must learn to stay up past 11 if I'm going to hang with the kids.

Song of the evening: "Un Gaou à Oran" To be honest, I don't know a whole lot about Rai'NbFever or this song except that the title roughly translates into "An Idiot in Oran." But I do know that the goofy video (click on the word "video" here) and the "Hey Papi" chorus toward the end makes me want to dance like an idiot.

A tragic delay

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I got on the trolley today, pleased to be in the back row next to a window—my preferred spot even though my feet don't touch the floor in those seats. There's a nice place for parcels, and the window's all yours.

I was reading my book when I became aware of the familiar hum of public-transport dissent. The trolley screeched over to unfamiliar tracks, and complaints were lodged. "They did this last week," and "Now we'll have to get out and walk."

People started exiting en masse at strange stops—I couldn't even see where we were—but I waited. Finally, the driver came onto the loudspeaker: "They got Market Street closed too," she said. "I don't how you gonna get where you need to go."

I wondered the streets, following dazed herds of other riders, and was ultimately packed onto a shuttle bus. Tensions were high. The rumor was that someone had jumped out of a building onto the street. But that didn't explain why the subways were also shut down. I was sweaty and nervous from the claustrophobia; I was so close to the driver, I could have planted a wet kiss on his puffy cheek.

A woman pushed her way to the front of the bus and began tapping frantically at the doors. Someone said, "This woman needs to get out." The driver—cursing as he encountered each next roadblock—ignored us, the bus swinging and pitching. The woman tapping on the doors threw up onto her high heels, and we begged the driver to stop and let her get off.

"It's a shuttle," he said harshly. "No stops." So the woman retched into her handkerchief.

When he stopped and opened the doors finally, I got off the bus. I have emetophobia, and I couldn't take it. Then I learned no buses were stopping on Market Street, so I'd have to walk 20 blocks to work.

The reason for all the chaos? A man threw himself onto the train tracks at 30th Street Station, got hit and was pinned beneath the train. It took a long time to free him, I guess.

I feel so sorry for that poor man. What horrible psychic pain he must have been in to throw himself onto the train tracks.

April 13, 2006

Et tu, Nico?

nico.jpg

Blogging is slightly inhumane and here's why: it means you're on the web all the time, long enough to notice both this and this.

The gist of these news articles is basically "Oh, don't worry about bird flu. The U.S. is too developed of a country for it to spread like that" and "By the way, your cat is going to give you bird flu."

Pictured is my cat Nico, former West Philly stray and potential pandemic-spreader.

[Posted by Amara]

Hope for OCD?

Mistakes 'aid OCD understanding' [BBC]