Last night, after watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin because everyone told me how funny it was and it would cheer me up, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by loneliness. True, the sugar gliders were there, but I see them differently since they cannabilized Little Moxie.

Normally my boyfriend is somewhere in evidence, futzing around with domestic chores in a way that makes me feel safe, but he's away for business. So last night, with the Effexor sloshing uncomfortably in my stomach, I felt reality start slipping away in a neo-psychotic way, so I turned on the local news to reconnect.

The local news here is a source of great hilarity. Last night on Channel 3 Larry Mendte, a very nice man who happens to have a stupid job, said: "Coming up, weather, sports, and a sneak peek at heaven."

What? I rubbed my eyes and stared at the screen. I started to worry that I was becoming delusional. A sneak peek at heaven? Was God going to be there? Probably not. They would have hyped that. "Coming up: arson's on the rise, and a frank conversation with Yahweh."

It was totally weird, and totally Philly. I couldn't watch the rest of the segment. I was afraid it would be like looking at an eclipse, and my eyes would burn out of my head.